I want to admit that my life is a mess at the moment. I’ve
been trying to stay calm but I think I have reached my limit and I seriously
need to fix it. It is hard to admit that it is my rejection period in terms of
work because I can’t seem to land a job at a time I need it the most. I’m not
boasting when I say this but I’m one of those people who gets a job in the
blink of an eye but right now I think the universe had turned 180 and for some
godforsaken reason it isn’t happening. That is what I am trying to tell myself
but deep down I feel totally different. I’m still terribly upset about my
accident that took place two months ago because I still haven’t recovered completely.
For those of you who don’t know please read the previous post and come back and
read this.
Well, I honestly think that my face is my strength and that’s
the area where I got hurt which has affected my self-esteem and I’m still
trying to cope with it. I am sick of everyone telling me ‘it’ll heal soon’ and ‘don’t
worry’ but moreover I am tired of telling myself that I still look and be the
same when I know I’ve changed after the accident. I can’t kid myself anymore
and I just want to be fine. I am not giving up on myself but I just need a
break. I know it was my fault what happened to me and sometimes I wonder if it
will hut less if I blame something else for it but I know I’ll just feel worse,
mainly because a chunk of my memory from that evening has been erased. I am
scared piece because in order to find that missing piece I need to relive the
moment in my mind and I’m not strong enough for it yet. I dislike myself for
being so weak at a time that I need to be the strongest and it is very unlike
me.
Among other things, when I was lying in the hospital bed I have
realized that family means a lot more than anything in the world and at that
moment I wanted nothing more than home. I’m glad that my sister and brother in
law were there to look after me and I’m proud to say that my sister is my rock.
The number of times I have screwed up and she’s still got my back and I love
her for that. I said that to explain that in today’s world we forget what
family means because we are engrossed in our friends and work and we make that
our priority, which isn’t bad, but we don’t appreciate the love and support of
our family. Some of us don’t have the luxury to make rock solid friends and we
tend to change ourselves for them in order to fit in.
What bewilders me is the fact that we refuse to change for
those who love us conditionally and instead we change for those who are most
likely to dump our sorry asses….
