I want to admit that my life is a mess at the moment. I’ve been trying to stay calm but I think I have reached my limit and I seriously need to fix it. It is hard to admit that it is my rejection period in terms of work because I can’t seem to land a job at a time I need it the most. I’m not boasting when I say this but I’m one of those people who gets a job in the blink of an eye but right now I think the universe had turned 180 and for some godforsaken reason it isn’t happening. That is what I am trying to tell myself but deep down I feel totally different. I’m still terribly upset about my accident that took place two months ago because I still haven’t recovered completely. For those of you who don’t know please read the previous post and come back and read this.
Well, I honestly think that my face is my strength and that’s the area where I got hurt which has affected my self-esteem and I’m still trying to cope with it. I am sick of everyone telling me ‘it’ll heal soon’ and ‘don’t worry’ but moreover I am tired of telling myself that I still look and be the same when I know I’ve changed after the accident. I can’t kid myself anymore and I just want to be fine. I am not giving up on myself but I just need a break. I know it was my fault what happened to me and sometimes I wonder if it will hut less if I blame something else for it but I know I’ll just feel worse, mainly because a chunk of my memory from that evening has been erased. I am scared piece because in order to find that missing piece I need to relive the moment in my mind and I’m not strong enough for it yet. I dislike myself for being so weak at a time that I need to be the strongest and it is very unlike me.
Among other things, when I was lying in the hospital bed I have realized that family means a lot more than anything in the world and at that moment I wanted nothing more than home. I’m glad that my sister and brother in law were there to look after me and I’m proud to say that my sister is my rock. The number of times I have screwed up and she’s still got my back and I love her for that. I said that to explain that in today’s world we forget what family means because we are engrossed in our friends and work and we make that our priority, which isn’t bad, but we don’t appreciate the love and support of our family. Some of us don’t have the luxury to make rock solid friends and we tend to change ourselves for them in order to fit in.
What bewilders me is the fact that we refuse to change for those who love us conditionally and instead we change for those who are most likely to dump our sorry asses….